non-elitist manic consumer send-up!

April 9, 2005 – 1:59 am

so i’m selling the flops, and apparently will make an unwitting profit. but a bidder e-mails, all keyed into sharps and flats because he/she just HAD to have my hairy sandals, pleasepleaseplease, and would i please stop the bidding and would i please sell them now because he/she just got a new car and…

a new car?

this is where you want to channel someone dorky on purpose, don a cardigan and find some tortoise-shell over which to peer innocently with the rejoinder, “need a bit of shodding, say?”

the correspondence:
Please… I will pay $33 for them plus the $7 shipping. Please please stop the bidding and let me buy them please. I am so in love with these shoes. I even had a dream about them. Come on you know you want to sale them to me. I can’t go over $40 cause my parents just bought me a new car. I really really want these flip flops. OMG I have to have them. Please please please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that’s six pleases and a “come on” — just so the grovel doesn’t come across too monochrome, you know. and a dream? let me guess: migrant otters held avaricious malamutes at bay, fearlessly circling their rodent young with a sacrificial waddle and a hopeful “arrrghh,” their only hope for staving off those dripping maws of starving iditarod veterans when YOU swung in on a knotted bedsheet and mutt-slapped the beasts with your abercrombie and fitch rawhide belt, adding a cuff to the lagging haunches for good measure. gleeful, the river folk of course proffered their winter pelts, which is the only thing a self-respecting dual sea-land citizen could do in such an indebted circumstance. “our hides,” they said austerely, “we’ll gladly go naked.”

“the footwear,” your father mumbled over dinner, “otter pelt?”

the auction goes on. not because i’m heartless, but because i’m a free-enterpriser, doggone it, and free enterprise means i should make at least 20 percent! no. actually, i can’t find a way to shut down the auction early.

with druthers, though, i’d have said, “child, child. on what rests your hope? do you not see grander, less-vaporous aims past yon furry sandal, plus another nice leather pair for $13 less?”

and then i would consume my double breve, and added another loaded plea to the coffeegeek forum.