CI‘s strong suit: patient sobriety

June 24, 2006 – 12:56 am

strangely enough, this blog has been humming (ok … belting) a jarring medley of pining ditties, careening unpredictably from “she’ll be coming around the mountain” to coldplay’s “see you soon” to “someday my prince will come” from dawn to dusk. this may or may not have anything to do with the looming arrival of hacienda la esmeralda.

in the never-ending quest to mount hyperbole upon hyperbole in order to justify the price tag of this coffee, this blog has discovered that the agricultural progenitor of the beaned preeminence in question has itself a web site that conveniently collates the heavily torqued overstatement on this topic — for quick and easy reference! fellow esmeralda-stricken junkies should gather their wives, penny-pinching business partners and child baristi in training before reading these “reserve,” “shade-grown” excerpts:

“… 100 points … throw my scores out!” — lenny lamastus, first roasters of central florida.

“…blazingly … good.” — george howell, boston

“sold for $…2006 … a pound … two consecutive years.” — la hacienda

this blog doesn’t know about you, but it is now absolutely breathless with anticipation to taste this stuff. unfortunately, as we navigated the drop-down list of sweet maria’s shipping options (motto: “cascading downward like a constitutional scroll, and just as inscrutable”) we accidentally clicked on “pony express.” it was right between “16th-day ground” and “high tea on wednesday.” it occurs to this blog that when you’ve spent this much money on green goodness, the shipping is the most agonizing decision of all. (do i placate the quicken 2006 deep-debt alert with the cheapskate option, or do i secure the premium transport this coffee so richly deserves?)

in any case, this blog’s triplet panamanian daughters — esmeralda, bambito and carmen — arrive monday, according to the trusty ups tracker. in the interim, there is little to do but hum. and read liberal media spin cynically comparing this coffee to illicit drugs (see “crack” in third paragraph). and ogle one of only five bags tendered for auction. and contemplate the profound reasons for this cup’s excellence, as explained by the farmer himself: “We are not really sure yet …”

hmmmpfff! at least, though, these panamanian wizards can tell us something about the velvet-glove processing technique responsible for the bulging aromatic jasmine sensory crush — on ‘the clear’! — that some cuppers have described. uh, well, no: “this coffee is NOT the result of intense selection.” ha ha! it was scraped from the john deere tires and forced through the digestive tract of a dual-beaked toucan! and you suckers paid us $50 a pound for it! next year we only take bids from people paying in gold bullion or lump gs3 innards!

crock of excellence, indeed. but don’t take this blog’s word for it. read the farmer’s entire take here. this blog says, “beguilingly factual!” “readable!” and, “seventeen thumbs up!”